*

...just another girl who costarred?
they're gonna wrap you up in cornsilk.
they're gonna cry like you were spilled milk.
-rhett miller

2005-09-1910:05 p.m.

Today is my first lonely day and it was a long time coming. I don't really remember the last time i was home alone in my own place, with nothing to do, no one to see, no place to go. I actually do have a lot to do, but it's all in the name of making the rest of my life more sane and organized/manageable. This time last year, my brother was very sick. His one year death anniversary is in a week or so. My grief and healing about this has been slow and spread out. Because I was in a teaching credential program, and on a path to trying to establish my career, I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and think about it. But there are many moments, where I feel like I can't breathe, like it can't be true, or that I don't want to move forward. His number is still in my cell phone, his name is still on my buddy list. I imagine, everyone is just as busy, and drowning and swimming at the same time, just like I am. My family has become much closer having gone through this, but I know that we have always been close. I feel lucky that my sister-in-law and I have become closer...and I haven't felt "without him;" I always have felt, since he passed, that he was with us, just in a new way, and in an even more accessible way. I just miss "him" so much. I would love to hear him crack another joke, and most of the time, I just want to hug him again...I was telling John that I don't think I could watch Burton's "Corpse Bride" even though normally I love his films. I'm just a bit sensitive about death still, lately...in other news, I have been teaching for the last three weeks, and I absolutely love it. My students are fantastic. I'm really excited about where we are going. I am really enjoying the hard work at something I love. I have been working for almost a month w/out a paycheck, and it's the first time I'm not thinking, "well, at least I'm getting paid for this." It's kind of like, "I get paid to do this, too?! That's great." I know the warnings about the blush leaving the rose, and how 50f new teachers leave the profession w/in their first 7 years. But as one of my students wrote the other day, "Worry is a debt you may not have to pay." Last night was fun w/Jen Mama, John, and Robert @ Elephant Bar...I couldn't hang w/my one Mojito, but reminiscing about making out in the back of the church when Robert and I were in the 5 'o clock youth mass, and John's idea that Robert should have done drum rolls for "the body of Christ," and ba-dum-bumps for "This is the Gospel of the Lord," almost had me choking on my fettucine. It was bad...bad meaning good. Haven't laughed like that in a long time. I ended up having scary dreams last night about Robert and some other guys I knew going to fight the Minutemen that are trying to come to California...it was scary. I hear when you dream someone dies though, that it's a good thing. Eeee.

bout to give this girl a shout

>>back in the day>>
>>i'm not a kid anymore>>
>>but somedays i sit & wish i was a kid again>>

"i don't want the world, i just want your half..."
-they might be giants

>>>leave your mark on me / [?uestbook]>>>

* me love you long time *
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