*

...just another girl who costarred?
they're gonna wrap you up in cornsilk.
they're gonna cry like you were spilled milk.
-rhett miller

2005-08-078:19 a.m.

My brother's yahoo! screenname icon stays sleeping in my contactslist. His home number, work number, and cell phone number stay programmed in my cell phone. I googled him this morning, trying to find him existing in cyberspace, I suppose. I woke up this morning and almost couldn't breathe. I was remembering the day they found the mass. The nurse was asking him to rate his pain on a scale of 1 to 10. He breathed, and probably downplayed it a bit. For some reason this memory, the first thing that came to me when I woke up, triggered a crying fit that had probably been waiting to come about for months. I haven't really taken a break since he passed. I gave up my winter break to get ahead in requirements for school, I taught summer school, and today was the second day of the only two weeks I've really had to not have to do a darn thing in exactly one year (other than prepare my units for school which will start in two weeks). It feels like it just happened. My boyfriend woke up because I was sniffling and choking and asked me what was wrong, and I just said, "I miss Danny." I miss him so much. I just want to hug him, or kiss him, or hear his voice. I want to tell him I love him, and take away everything he felt before he went. I really miss my nieces. I'm going to see them next week in Disneyland. They are so precious to me. They are their own people, so much, but they are also the little (big) pieces of my brother that live. It really feels very lonely here. My sisters have moved to the East coast and before on the weekends, at least my parents, and my brother and his family and I could get together. But now my parents don't like to stay home, and they run off to the casino on the weekend, and my sister-in-law and the kids are often keeping themselves busy, for good reason, I suppose. They keep moving, and we all keep moving, and this sadness won't catch up with us. It's when we stop that it seizes us and paralyzes us and it gets so hard to get up again. I know this is not about us. It is about my brother. But it's just really stifling lately. It feels like it just happened yesterday. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything today. I got up and started working on my syllabus though. I was also reading Jodi Angel's _History of Las Vegas_. Jodi was a woman in my crative writing workshop in Davis. She is an awesome writer. I can't really put her book down. It's exactly what I like in literature. I think I will go wake up my bf and ask if we can go hiking...

bout to give this girl a shout

>>back in the day>>
>>i'm not a kid anymore>>
>>but somedays i sit & wish i was a kid again>>

"i don't want the world, i just want your half..."
-they might be giants

>>>leave your mark on me / [?uestbook]>>>

* me love you long time *
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